Be their equal, not their servant

When we speak to important people, it’s easy to be deferential to them.  “Thank you for sparing the time to see me” etc.

But these people don’t want us to be grateful. They want us to be useful.

So we shouldn’t speak like this.

But – for us to say the right things on our outside – we first have to think the right things on our inside.

So how might we feel on our inside? Well, it depends on who we think is most valuable and important:

1. So, as above: if we think they are more important than us, we might be deferential
2. But, if we think we are more important than them, we’ll probably act like a Rescuer (“don’t worry – I’m here to save you!”) or a Persecutor (“these people are idiots. I can’t believe they’re doing things like this”)
3. And, if we think we’re both struggling, the vibe we’ll give is “we’re screwed”

None of these are good!

Instead, we need to see both ourselves and them as being equally valuable.  Peers of each other.  Top Dogs together. 

Because, when we think more jointly, we act and speak more jointly.  For example:

1. We stop saying “thank you for your time”.  Instead, it’s “I’ve been looking forward to our meeting”
2. If the meeting ends with four actions, nobody takes all four. Instead, we share them
3. We never give the vibe of “we’re screwed”.  Instead it’s “what are our options?”

When I speak with people about this, they often tell me they feel differently, when they speak to different people.  So they might feel deferential to their boss; whereas they might feel superior to their team.

But it’s so much more helpful if we can view every interaction as ‘Top Dogs together’. And that we both have important things to contribute. Starting with ‘I’ve been looking forward to our meeting’ is a good change to make.

So a question for you: when you look at these different ways of being – deferential, rescuer/persecutor, “we’re screwed” or “Top Dogs together”… which one sounds most like you? 

And what can you do, to be more like the last one?

Action Point

1. Identify the people who are most important to you
2. Decide how you currently view yourself and them. Are you “Top Dogs together” enough?
3. Work out how you will start and end your conversations, so things feel more equal
4. And never – ever – give the vibe of “we’re screwed”!